Friday, November 18, 2005

The END is Nigh!!!!!!!!!

I was driving to a speaking engagement today and was flipping through the radio channels when I heard a promo for our local Fox (Tabloid) News station. The first thing I heard was something along the lines of, "The END is Coming! Are we all going to die?!" I immediately panicked because I was behind someone with a bumpersticker that read "If the Rapture comes, this car will be driverless." I didn't want to risk slamming into them if they suddenly were carried up into the sky... my insurance premiums finally just got lowered, after all.

This was Fox 8's pitch for its upcoming "special report." Their website features a picture of the Earth, with the foreboding sentence "The END is Coming," followed by "Tonight at Ten."

How are we supposed to be bothered watching TV if the END is coming tonight at ten?! Shouldn't I be going over to my parents' house and hugging my mother and repenting and stuff? I frantically searched their website looking for information about the END. But there seems to be very little information about the END on their website, and it doesn't even make it to the national website. It's probably classified, like in that movie. We're pretty lucky to have such ace journalists in Cleveland who caught this story and are courageous enough to tell us about it. I'll be sure to be watching tonight from my duct-taped bunker/fallout shelter.

I do wonder how it is that Fox 8 managed to get this scoop and keep such a tight lid on it. I mean, a story like Armageddon is pretty huge, especially if it's happening tonight at ten. Even the Mayans gave us until 2012.

With the END so close I need to get a few things off my chest. First: Mom, I'm sorry about that time when I was a kid and I taped He-Man over your soap opera. To my sister, I'm sorry about the time I told you that the Tooth Fairy was using your teeth to build a weapon to kill Santa Claus. Also, I'm sorry about that time I filled a Santa hat with fake teeth and told you that she succeeded.

Dad, I'm sorry about that time I called 911 while Scarface was playing and the cops showed up because they thought you were a drug lord, and then I blamed it on Mom and you almost got divorced.

Finally though, I want to apologize to the loyal readers of this blog and The Homeless Grapevine. As a reporter, I really dropped the ball by not catching that the END is approaching so rapidly. If by some miracle, we avoid the END tonight at ten, please have pity on us and know that until the END comes, we'll still be there with other stories that even the ace reporters at Fox 8 don't report.

Reporting from a secure and undisclosed location with an "x" in lamb's blood painted on the door,

Kevin E. Cleary


Blogger Homeless Grapevine said...

Would it not be horrible if the world ended and the last Grapevine published had the "Fuck the World" poem. Would we have some responsibility in the speeding the end? Was this all retaliation for the poem?

11:14 AM  

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