Monday, January 22, 2007

My New Job

I certainly see some challenges ahead for my tenure as the Editor of The Plain Dealer. First, there will be the wrangling over parking spots. Feagler has had his eye on Clifton’s spot for quite a while, and he won’t take kindly to me moving in. He’s been vying for it by complaining quite a bit about a hernia, and then going off on long diatribes about how they used to be called “himnias” until political correctness and voting rights for women came along.

The Plain Dealer has also taken a lot of heat over political endorsements. I’m going in with the operating assumption that other voters think like I do and vote against whomever the paper recommends. We’ll be taking the reverse psychology approach to our endorsements in 2007. Instead of telling you who to vote for, we’ll tell you NOT to vote for the candidates we support. I think this will go over much better than our previous policy: talking about how bad a candidate is, their incompetence, etc., and then recommending them anyway.

I also plan to keep a longstanding tradition alive. Regardless of the season or other world events, Cleveland Browns coverage will always eclipse everything else. If Winslow gets injured, the entire front page will be an enlarged copy of his X-ray. There are only three exception to this Browns rule: 1) if LeBron James leaves Cleveland for more money, 2) if the Cleveland Indians win the World Series, and 3) if Art Modell is finally hung by a mob like Mussolini. For instance, our front page the day after Superbowl Sunday will focus on which Browns players watched the Superbowl from local bars, and which player had the nicest mansion and hi-def television.

To those politicians fearful of a new reign at the PD, I promise we will do what we have always done. We will bury embarrassing news about politicians we like and excoriate those we don’t. Pat O’Malley’s next DUI or abused spouse will be kept from the public eye as much as we can help it. If the powers that be want us to put a lid on how many jobs and citizens keep leaving Cleveland, we’ll make sure it stays a “Quiet Crisis.” However, if Carl Monday or Ed Gallek starts talking about you, we will have to break this agreement. Just promise not to do anything colossally stupid enough to make me break the Browns rule...

Posted by Kevin E. Cleary,
Fake Editor of The Plain Dealer


Post a Comment

<< Home